still hurts, though

that could've hurt a lot more than it did (does). glad i kept myself in check for the most part.
more than anything i guess i'm just confused. i don't know what to think anymore.
and then there's that fear.
i love them both, but i'm afraid. i'm afraid something will happen and i'll have to back down, regardless of what i want.
if it comes down to me or her, i know i won't win.
there's no way i could.
i keep thinking about what he's said, what he says, how he looks. how protective he is.
i can't help but feel like i was a convenient option because something else was unattainable.

i don't like this.

there are three people i want to be around right now, but they're all 85 miles away. :(

who the fuck died & made you queen of everything

what the fuck is your problem?
who said it was okay for you to tell people my business?

what are we, five?

attached

just the little things you said and did...
you've gotten attached too, haven't you?

wow

can't believe
holy cow
its just
um
yeah
uh
idk what to say except wow
and
dammit
it needs to be friday
and awww :3
and DAMMIT why isn't it friday
he was right
(it annoys me a little that he's right so much lol)
but whatev, like it matters lol
who'd'a thunk it would've been me
out of our group
i thought i was gonna end up like that movie
XD
guess not
wow

just a song i'm obsessed with right now

I think I've already lost you
I think you're already gone
I think I'm finally scared now
You think I'm weak - but I think you're wrong
I think you're already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
I thought this place was an empire
But now I'm relaxed - I can't be sure

I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - I think too much
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing

If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you

I bet you're hard to get over
I bet the room just won't shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
I bet you need - more than you mind

I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - that I know too much
I can't relate and that's a problem I'm feeling

If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you

I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - do I talk too much
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing

If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you

i'm cold and alone

i don't like this feeling.

not feeling well... went home from work way early >.< slept for what felt like ages.

my thoughts are really disjointed right now. nothing makes sense

saturday morning came too soon

i really really just want to cuddle and watch movies right now

actually, forget the movies. i want sleep. but i'm all by myself :(

why the fuck am i so attached? i need to stop. stop stop stop. ugh. cuz i can't be this attached. i promised myself i wouldn't be. ugh ugh ugh.

but i want to be attached. which makes no sense. >.<

i don't understand

so don't ask me why

i'm cold :(

there's a big empty space next to me

i don't like this feeling.

basic

it dawned on me today that amid all the desires and idiosyncratic things that people my age seem to latch on to, i have very basic needs. while most people my age are out to get where they're going as quickly as possible, so ambitious, so impatient with the world, i'm perfectly content with just going with whatever life hands me. the one thing i realized that i want, however, seems so important that i can't believe that i didn't realize it before -- my own place. while its not all that practical right now, financially or otherwise, i would love to have my own place. doesn't have to be a big house, or even a big apartment, since i don't have that much stuff. i just want a place where i can just be, somewhere where i don't have to try to explain all my little idiosyncrasies, quirks, and habits. somewhere i can hang up what i like, without worrying if i'm going to have to move it if it's in the wrong place. i want to be able to come home without worrying about getting questioned regarding my whereabouts. i could continue, but you get the idea.
i want a space to be myself, to be able to play my guitar at 3 in the morning if i feel like it and not worry about waking anyone up.
basic need, yes, but it feels like the most complex thing ever right now.

i feel like i should say thank you

you make me feel beautiful
you let me be myself
you're not pushing me into things i don't want
you let me know its ok to try things

you make it hard for me to come back here...but i hate the stress of trying to sneak around. i hate sleeping alone now, even though i don't sleep when i'm with you (for several reasons... also because i just can't fall asleep, even when you are).
you asked if i was falling for you, and it scared me to put myself out there like that, especially when you won't answer the same question. i'm afraid that you'll say no, but maybe then it will make it all a little easier. i wish i didn't have to worry that i'm just an option, or that i'm just one of several.

one thing i know... i'm trying very hard to not be dependent on you. if this is as far as it goes... i can't be.

yes (no)

yes i spent the night at his house.
(no i wasn't on the couch)

yes i kissed him
(no that wasn't all)

yes i know how you'll react if i tell you
(no i won't tell you unless you ask and promise not to judge)

i have no regrets

bah. >.<

he asked me to not fall in love with him. too complicated with whats happening in his life and how far away i am
but i asked if he'd ask the same thing if i was still there, if there would be a possibility of us dating if i wasn't so far away
and he said he probably wouldn't be able to help himself

sigh
<3

milquetoast

milquetoast - a shy or timid person

hooray for freerice.com

i almost cried

"at least call me so i can hear your voice."
so i called him. three hours later... he tells me that he just wants me to be happy. that i don't need to feel like i have to be alone. that the world has amazing things for me.
i almost cried

this is highly amusing

"swear on my life...you bring that tight little ass to me and you will not regret it"

mhm. yes sir ;D

whoever says kissing is overrated

needs to be shot at dawn. or needs to be kissed the right way, apparently. lol
it was so amazing... unlike anything i could have imagined.
its such an intoxicating feeling, just thinking about it. i could tell what he wanted, but he's too much of a gentleman to act on those feelings. the way he held me, the way he spoke, even how he looked at me, i could tell. such an incredible feeling. he took control when he kissed me, but only after making sure i was ok with it.

sigh. it needs to be friday again.

i know what i want

sadly, he's 85 miles away
its so strange... i don't know how long i'll want him or even why. i just know that i'm tired of thinking about it. i want to just go for it. i want to make mistakes. i want to just live in the moment for once, to hell with the consequences. i can't be cautious all my life. i need a change, something exciting, something that i can look back on and share a secret smile.
i'm trying to figure out what he's thinking, but i don't want to sound like i'm trying to define exactly what we are. i'm just curious.
i know that he wants me though. even if its just a physical attraction. there's no way he'd talk to me like that if he didn't.

no focus. at all.

omg this is nuts. i can't focus. i'm going insane, but its sooooooo amazing

so i'm totally LOLing

so i'm totally LOLing at my horoscope for today. and we're both Taurus, so its even funnier.
here's the quickie:

Push yourself forward romantically by any means necessary -- you've got the right kind of good energy to really make a difference! It's a good time for you to step up to someone new.

and the extended:

For the past couple of weeks, you've been thinking that you might have a secret admirer, and you're absolutely right. Your mystery suitor will let those feelings slip today, in a very minor way -- so minor, in fact, that if you weren't as sharp as you are, and if you didn't pay attention as well as you do, you might not notice it. As it is, you'll need to decide whether to ignore the slip, or have some fun -- which, of course, depends on your relationship situation.

ROFL

oh. my. god.

so
that
is quite possibly
the most unexpected
and
hottest
thing
ever.

holy
fucking
shit.

am i a different person?

lately i've been feeling like i'm not the same as i used to be. i know its true to a point, but there are times when i feel like i've grown away from people...i still want my friends, but i'm not as close to them as i used to be. we've grown up, moved on, and honestly it kind of makes me sad. i know i'm just being random, but it really surprises me that the things that i've always been into- 80's rock, classic cars, etc,- my friends didn't know about until now.
i want to make up with friends who i haven't talked to in a long time. there are only a few exceptions to this, but they aren't in contact with me in any way anymore. in a weird way i want to go back to high school, just to see if anything would be different now that i feel different.
self confidence is a hard thing to build when you're constantly trying to figure out everything else. but i think i've finally succeeded... i feel like i know a little bit about myself. i still have no idea what i want to do, but i know what i don't want to do. that helps some. i'm learning from mistakes, despite their initial impact on me. i'm trying to grow as a person.

i'm still the same person i was before. i still value my friends and family over anything else. i'll still sit up with a friend until four in the morning, just listening, when they need someone to listen to them. its just how i am, i put their needs before my own, and i'll do that with anyone who needs it. it makes me sad to know that people don't want to open up to me. i don't ask unless they give the ok, and i most definitely don't tell. anyone who knows me should know that.
i'm also trying not to be the person i have been. i'm trying not to be the one that freaks out at minor details, to hold grudges, to "fall in love" repeatedly. i'm over that. sure i talk a lot, but most of it is just being lonely in general, when there's no one there for me to talk to.

i guess what i'm trying to say is, i'm still initially the same person, if you just briefly talk to me, but in reality, i've changed. i hope for the better. i'm trying to branch out and be myself and not who everyone wants me to be. bear with me, its kinda tough lol.

*tell my mother, tell my father, i've done the best i can
to make them realize this is my life, i hope they understand
i'm not angry i'm just saying
sometimes goodbye is a second chance.*

text me. any time. if you need to, want to, or are just bored. i always text back.

and i'll be your crying shoulder, i'll be love's suicide...

and i'll be better when i'm older
i'll be the greatest fan of your life

i'm sick of writing the same things over and over again. i really am. but ughhhh. i want to tell you so badly....i'm afraid of what you'll say. i want it to be painfully obvious, but i know its not. i'm afraid i've messed it up already.

"I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

*if you have to try to convince yourself you don't care about someone, you care about them more than you think*

"a guy & a girl can be friends, but at one point or another they'll fall for each other, maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever."

sigh. if you get it, text me.

if today was your last day

so tonight will be interesting....
i can't help but hope that he was lying about forgetting...that just strengthens my need to tell him.

there he goes again

so i'm officially insane. hooray
it just really sucks, in a really fantastically odd way. i mean... i never wanted to be in this position. but i've been told things and advised to do things and when i think about it...
dammit, they were right.

blarargh.
hm.

Name - Goo Goo Dolls

so this chapter is coming to an end. i feel like so much has happened, and yet sooo little. This is so much different than graduating high school. i really feel like this is a change. i won't be at home, and even though i'll still be with family, it will be so different... it's really making me nervous. so it seems fitting that at the end of the summer, this blog will be closed (maybe not permanently, but who knows) and a new one will capture my adventures in a different county, a different school, different everything. i can't help but think about what i'll miss... but then again i'll be experiencing so many other things... mixed feelings.
i will definitely miss my friends. my friends here are so amazing, nothing can take their place. No matter how many (or few) friends i make there, my friends here will always be the best people ever. hands down. i'm really not good at making friends... i made next to no new friends in the year at WSU. a few, yes, but not very close friends. i love my work friends, they've become so close to me that i don't even consider them my "work" friends, they're just my friends. make sense? probably not.
i'm worried about what my family is going to do when i leave. i really hope mom doesn't cry. i hope jenn doesn't cry. i know dad won't cry. he'll make jokes. but that might be worse. but i'll be back as often as i can, and it's not like i'm moving to somewhere - permanently - that they don't visit on a regular basis. plus if i really need to, my grandparents are less than half an hour away, my mom's family an hour away.
i guess i'm just nervous, as i should be. i'll be okay though. as long as no one starts crying.

<3

yo' momma's research methodology is so flawed...

life is crazy....
on the one hand, the most amazing pair of people i've met are no longer a pair.
and then there's the one that i thought might be different... he has a wonderful girl, and i'm truly happy for them.
and then there's this whole fiasco. i can see why she's upset, but honestly, i have to agree with the parents on this one. just slow down, chica. it won't kill you to wait. (or keep it in your pants, honestly).
lawn & garden boy? meh. he's cool. but just a friend. not much spark. so i guess i'm just back to me.
<3

sorry, this isn't my department

once again, i don't know what i'm doing. i know i like being around him, i know he's a friend. but what i don't know is what will happen. ughhhhh, i'm so tired of this. why can't it be simple? why can't it be "hey, i like you" and "oh really? cool, i like you too" and just go with it?
i guess i'm just tired of the same old song & dance. i get to know a guy, start hanging out with him, start thinking things, and then BAM, something goes wrong and its awkward for me. i'm tired of being lost, i'm tired of these stupid blogs i write. i apologize to everyone who reads them. i know i'm annoying. i just wish i knew what to do.
everyone is telling me to just go with it, see where it goes. but how do i do that and make this time be different? its confusing to me. its good advice, yes, but every other time that i've "just gone with it", absolutely nothing has happened. i seriously need a tutor for this or something lol.
i'm just so tired of this. this whole wishful thinking thing. i'm ready to stop with the wishing. it just sets me up for dissapointment.

little nuggets, sweet and sour

Love doesn't make the world go round, love makes the ride worthwhile.

I'm looking for the guy who will pick up every piece of my shattered heart and put it back together, keeping one piece for himself & replacing it with a piece of his own.

i want to be the smile, the first thought, the long drive, or the short walk, the last voice, the random call, the laugh, the perfect kiss, the comfort hug, your second half, the sparkle in your eye, the everything you need, just what you want... i want to be yours.

i'm going to smile like nothing's wrong, talk like everything's perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me.

the woman came from a man's rib. not from his feet to be walked on. not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved.

it's hard to wait around for something that you know might never happen, but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want.

i wish this was a book so i could stay up and read it, that way i can read past the boring in between stuff and get to the warm fuzzies

i just want to be the girl you talk about, the only one you couldn't live without... to be the one who makes your heart beat crazy, and for you to say to your boys "she's my baby"

you're everything i want and more than i deserve

maybe i'm not supposed to be over him. i mean, look at how many times i've tried. maybe theres a reason its not working.

when i text you, it means i am missing you. when i don't, it means i'm waiting for you to miss me

i'm the girl your ex will hate, the girl your mother will love, and the girl you'll want to be with forever

i've got a mind boggling, sense numbing, heart pounding, stomach flipping, take my breath away, head over heels, knee slapping, day dreaming, butterfly fluttering, weakness, smiling heart crush on you.

but, this is the sad part, we weren't even together and he still broke my heart

don't ever listen when people say he's not good enough for you, because truly, you are the only one who knows how he makes you feel

so there's this boy... & the way he laughs makes me smile... & the way he talks gives me butterflies... everything about him makes me happy.

there are only two times that I want to be with you... "now" & "forever".

a boy like you needs a crazy girl like me.

I hope you know CPR, cuz you take my breath away

I'm just a crazy girl who loves this boy way too much.

long distance relationships suck, but he is SO worth it.

I'm not clumsy, he just makes my knees weak, and then I fall over.

the point is, we can't help who we fall in love with.

if I tripped and fell... and you saw it... I'd let you laugh at me.

today was just one of those days where everything I did reminded me of you.

the spaces between my fingers are meant to be filled with yours.

So there's this boy...and I'd totally tell you all about him, but then you might fall in love with him too.

as soon as our eyes meet, i completely lose all train of thought

until you're mine i have to find a way to fill this hole inside, i can't survive without you here by my side, until you're mine not gonna be even close to complete, i won't rest until you're mine

somebody stop me

ughhhh
i'm suuuuch an idiot
i know i can't have him, yet i still try.
i know he's off limits, but i can't help thinking about him.
i know he doesn't feel the same, but i still have these insane thoughts.
i am so tired of bugging you all with this. i don't think anyone even reads this. i want to move on, but then i start thinking about him and it changes my mind. don't get me wrong, i love being friends with him, but it's just so. damn. hard. to deal with, being that close and knowing that that's as far as it will ever go, as well as its ever gone.
someone today told me to get my confidence up. i'm not sure that its possible at this point. i'm surrounded by amazing people all the time... you'd think that that would make me feel better about myself, but it just makes me feel like i pale in comparison. half the time i expect people to come up to me and ask about my friends... which happened the other day. its funny, okay, yeah sure, and i'll laugh and make jokes about it, but it hurts so bad... nothing makes you feel more worthless than "hey that friend of yours-- she was cute. can you hook it up for me?"
i feel so inadequate next to them. next to everyone.
i feel so empty.
i don't know what to do.

the songs you grow to like never stick at first

i'm still hoping there's a chance.
wtf is wrong with me? i don't understand. every other time this has happened, i gave up and moved on. why can't i do that this time? part of me really wants to move on... but then the other part of me screams "LAME!!!" and i feel like i shouldn't be moving on this quickly. everyone is telling me to find someone else, but i don't want it to just be a rebound kind of thing. this guy is one that i don't want to let go of, no matter what anyone says to me.

bestie, i know you're trying to help, but really.. don't ask me things like what the appeal of kissing is... >.< the offer still stands to trade. i'm so tired of this.

buh. suckage.

lets play a game

this game is called "your life is awesomer than mine"
ready? go!
...
guess what?

you win. game over.
hoorayyy.....
***

ugh, sinuses. they are seriously killing me slowly. >.<

it hurts.

i'm trying really hard not to be annoying. really. i hate feeling like this, like this is all i talk about, think about, and that people are really getting annoyed. i can't explain it. i'm soooo out of my head here.
its to the point where it actually physically hurts. like i've been shoved in the chest. >.<

my kind of rain/falling in like at the worst times

*sigh*
why don't people fall in like at the same time? it would make things so much easier, really....it would save a lot of trouble and second-guessing. :/

i'm listening to that music again... you know, the kind that makes me think stupid things and feel things that probably aren't real. ::and all i wanna do is love you....today, you walked out of my life, and today, your words felt like a knife....::
and its alright
yeah i'll be fine
don't worry about this heart of mine
just take your love and hit the road
there's nothing you can do or say
you're gonna break my heart anyway
just leave the pieces when you go...

...let's hope he has a glue gun. <3 cuz i really don't want to give up on this one.

i have no title for this one.

sorry, i'm going to continue this... i just have a lot of thoughts in my head

this whole dating thing... it really doesn't seem like its real. i was trying to imagine what it would be like...its so surreal, like it doesn't really happen. despite all of this, i want his arms around me, i want to call him mine. i know it probably wouldn't be peachy-keen all the time, and honestly, i don't want it to be. i know it probably won't last, and again, i don't want it to. i want us to break up, and maybe we won't get back together, but oh well. what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, yeah? i am fully aware that he may not be "the One". I'm not that kind of girl. but this whole thing of rejection and turmoil is making me feel so unworthy of even being a girl... like i'm wasting opportunities, wasting youth, and i hate that feeling.
blah. i need to paint.
i want to tell him.

i don't want to be lonely anymore

buh, i'm so fucking lonely. i'm so tired of looking at all of my
friends and helping them with their relationships, listening to them,
being sympathetic and caring when i'd give anything to have what they
have. i can't help but feel like i'm doing something wrong. i know i'm
insane but i really think that this thing with him would work out. i
catch myself grinning like an idiot even if i catch a glimpse of him...
excuse me while i go cliche, but it feels like i need him. it would
suck so bad for him to not be in my life anymore... i can't explain it.
i want him so bad... i need to be around him as much as possible... its
driving me insane that i've gotten so attached, i told myself i
wouldn't this time. everyone expects me to be mad at him, but i'm not.
i can't. there are people who think he wouldn't be right for me,
because he's too laconic, laid back, but i know better. we get along so
well, even when he's totally lax about something it kind of balances
out my hyperness so it works. i don't know 100% whats going on with him
right now, i don't know if he's back with his ex or someone new, but
he's been so happy the past few times i've seen him... i don't want to
take that away from him.

gah.
sorry if you read that. >.< i'll stop now.

no.
no.
no.
what the hell.
i feel sick.
i feel numb.
i'm on the verge of tears.

damn it. damn him. damn her. damn myself for getting my hopes up.

i was born to tell you i love you

i can't not think it anymore. i really can't. there is no denying what is going through my head right now....
you're one of the first things i think about when i wake up, and one of the last things before i go to sleep. i have a hard time not looking for you everywhere. i love your smile, your laugh, the look on your face when you start plotting something, the sincerity with which you say everything.
i've fallen hard for you, theres no doubt about that. the question is, am i going to hit the ground just as hard if you don't feel the same?
what will my next move be? i'm not sure. maybe i'll be brave and just take your hand. maybe i'll be sneaky about it.
but i won't say it. i won't say what i'm thinking. not yet. because i'm so afraid of being wrong...i don't want to lose you.
if you're even mine to lose.
you've made it clear we're close though... that in itself is amazing to me. <3

i'm a believer

hey you,
what was that, exactly?
let's start at the beginning.

i love how you use emoticons...mostly just sad faces. but i hate that you were sad... i hope that lunch made it better. i also loved how i could hear you talking on the other end of the phone...not exactly sure why.
then your silly comment about your "friends"... how old are we, exactly? lol. but it works, and definitely made me smile.
your eyes are amazing, btw.
i'm curious as to what that ring is, though... if only he wasn't there with us, i would have asked about it. but i don't want to make things awkward unnecessarily, so i'll wait.
why did you look directly at me and ask if i knew that walmart has a compatibility thing? got me thinking crazy things, you did.
i love that song too. and even more so now when i think about how you looked when you heard it, sat back down, looked at me and smiled.
haha, yeah, can you stop referencing your boxers or whatever? at least until one of us makes a move, plzkthx lol.
and i know i'm probably crazy, but that really looked like a wink. i have no idea if it really was or not, but it looked like it from my point of view.

ps. i want a real hug, please. :)

<3

stressing

someone needs to tell me what to do. i am so freaking confused. i have no idea what to do anymore. i have such issues, it sucks.

part of me just wants to tell him. just call him right now and tell him. it wants to just go up to him and demand some sort of action.

but that part of me is seriously mentally challenged. so we all know that it won't happen.

sigh.