i don't want to be lonely anymore

buh, i'm so fucking lonely. i'm so tired of looking at all of my
friends and helping them with their relationships, listening to them,
being sympathetic and caring when i'd give anything to have what they
have. i can't help but feel like i'm doing something wrong. i know i'm
insane but i really think that this thing with him would work out. i
catch myself grinning like an idiot even if i catch a glimpse of him...
excuse me while i go cliche, but it feels like i need him. it would
suck so bad for him to not be in my life anymore... i can't explain it.
i want him so bad... i need to be around him as much as possible... its
driving me insane that i've gotten so attached, i told myself i
wouldn't this time. everyone expects me to be mad at him, but i'm not.
i can't. there are people who think he wouldn't be right for me,
because he's too laconic, laid back, but i know better. we get along so
well, even when he's totally lax about something it kind of balances
out my hyperness so it works. i don't know 100% whats going on with him
right now, i don't know if he's back with his ex or someone new, but
he's been so happy the past few times i've seen him... i don't want to
take that away from him.

gah.
sorry if you read that. >.< i'll stop now.

no.
no.
no.
what the hell.
i feel sick.
i feel numb.
i'm on the verge of tears.

damn it. damn him. damn her. damn myself for getting my hopes up.

i was born to tell you i love you

i can't not think it anymore. i really can't. there is no denying what is going through my head right now....
you're one of the first things i think about when i wake up, and one of the last things before i go to sleep. i have a hard time not looking for you everywhere. i love your smile, your laugh, the look on your face when you start plotting something, the sincerity with which you say everything.
i've fallen hard for you, theres no doubt about that. the question is, am i going to hit the ground just as hard if you don't feel the same?
what will my next move be? i'm not sure. maybe i'll be brave and just take your hand. maybe i'll be sneaky about it.
but i won't say it. i won't say what i'm thinking. not yet. because i'm so afraid of being wrong...i don't want to lose you.
if you're even mine to lose.
you've made it clear we're close though... that in itself is amazing to me. <3

i'm a believer

hey you,
what was that, exactly?
let's start at the beginning.

i love how you use emoticons...mostly just sad faces. but i hate that you were sad... i hope that lunch made it better. i also loved how i could hear you talking on the other end of the phone...not exactly sure why.
then your silly comment about your "friends"... how old are we, exactly? lol. but it works, and definitely made me smile.
your eyes are amazing, btw.
i'm curious as to what that ring is, though... if only he wasn't there with us, i would have asked about it. but i don't want to make things awkward unnecessarily, so i'll wait.
why did you look directly at me and ask if i knew that walmart has a compatibility thing? got me thinking crazy things, you did.
i love that song too. and even more so now when i think about how you looked when you heard it, sat back down, looked at me and smiled.
haha, yeah, can you stop referencing your boxers or whatever? at least until one of us makes a move, plzkthx lol.
and i know i'm probably crazy, but that really looked like a wink. i have no idea if it really was or not, but it looked like it from my point of view.

ps. i want a real hug, please. :)

<3

stressing

someone needs to tell me what to do. i am so freaking confused. i have no idea what to do anymore. i have such issues, it sucks.

part of me just wants to tell him. just call him right now and tell him. it wants to just go up to him and demand some sort of action.

but that part of me is seriously mentally challenged. so we all know that it won't happen.

sigh.

I'm not right in the head

Seriously.
Not. Right.
idk what's up with me...ugh.

I'm going sooooo out of my mind

I don't even know where to begin.

Work is boring as ever. Although they do sometimes put me at the service desk (yay!), I still can't stand being a cashier.

School is going okay...its weird to me to actually have to study... plus the teachers probably think I'm a bad student since I'm often late to class because of my half-hour drive every morning. But my teachers are pretty cool. My spanish teacher actually SPEAKS the language, my logic teacher is so fun to listen to, my calc teacher is kinda random & gets lost on random tangents, & my english teacher turns out to be really fun to discuss stuff with. :) Plus I love being able to wear whatever I want to class.

Home, though, is slightly stifling. There's still so much of the old mindset that I'm still a kid & have to approve my every plan through my parents. Its getting very annoying & I wish they would just back off.

Art is nonexistant right now, sad to say. However, its not like I don't think about what I'd LIKE to do.... I bought some cheap shoes (hooray for sales + bogo @ payless!!!) to paint, & there is a good chance I will be getting an airbrush soon. :) I started carrying my camera at all times when I'm on campus, since there seems to be no end to beautiful sights there.

My friends are amazing, as always. <3

Boys.....what can I say about the boys? There's one that's confusing me to no end. There are some cuties in my classes that I wish I was bold enough to talk to. There is one that I miss hanging out with but due to schedules, I can't. And there's my boifriend.... lol... who's clear across the country. ;)

But life seems to be ok. :D

<3 love you, lovely people! <3