should i say it, should i tell you how i feel

so there's something i want to say
but i'm not going to let myself. not yet. but i want to. and its entirely too frustrating.
its not something that can be texted, and i don't trust myself with the phone. its so cliche that i'd hate to say it at an inappropriate time. i almost slipped up today. several times.

i'm waiting to hear it first. but i'm afraid i'll be waiting a very long time.

i wouldn't recommend reading this

Sometimes the most disjointed thoughts make the most sense in my head. Like right now, I'm jumping from thought to thought, trying to wrangle them into some sort of coherent thought process, into something readable with some sort of tangible flow, but all I keep coming back to is jagged imagery and brief --very brief-- explosions of inspiration.
Of course I'm thinking about him. What an utterly ridiculous question. I could lie and say that it's not so bad, this once a week visit thing, but that's just what it would be: a lie. For now I'm just concerned that I've turned into one of those girls... the kind who make their boyfriends their entire world, neglecting all other stimuli and focusing solely on the person who they think they "liek omg tottaly LUV" after just two weeks. It's been three & a half months (so sue me, of course I keep track), and I'm finally feeling totally comfortable with everything. Sounds weird to say it like that, but before, I was still trying to figure out how I was supposed to be a girlfriend. I wasn't uncomfortable per se, but I was sure awkward as hell. But back to my thought. I could apologize to the grand total of three people who actually read this for my total insanity and borderline pathetic emo-ness, but I figure if you don't want to hear about it, you wouldn't be reading right now ;) . So sue me, tell me to move it to Xanga or keep it in my journal, but this is essentially my journal. As much as I love writing and notebooks and just the feel of ink across a fresh page, my hands just can't keep up as easily with my mind when wielding a pen. Typing goes so much quicker, and by posting it online there is less of a chance of me losing it for one reason or another.
How's that for a total divergence from the original topic?
Back to my incoherent brain. So wonderfully disconnected. Clumsy revelations, flashes of emotions. Maybe I'm posting this to prove that for once, I was right about something. Everyone is always so skeptical about him, I guess I'm trying to prove that their fears are unfounded. It's in the little things, really. His increasingly more prominent protectiveness; The random public embraces (almost putting me in a headlock at times... let's face it, he's tall!); The way he'll stop in the doorway and just watch me for a few moments when he thinks I'm asleep.

I'll spare you the rest. <3

A Mad Girl's Love Song - Sylvia Plath

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I mad you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

"They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but right now, nearly everyone is beholding you in the right way. You take care of yourself like you're an extremely valuable object of art, and for good reason. People respond to this well-deserved self-confidence by finding reasons to hang around you. While they're digging your beauty, check out some art together."
HAHAHAAAAAAAA <3
***
"Your ego gets a well deserved boost from a confidence-building success or bit of praise, and it's definitely coming at the right time, too -- you can take on any delays or complexities without breaking much of a sweat. When you face all these challenges without mussing your do, some of your people are sure to ask how you do it. Tell them your secret! Meditation exercises and a willingness to look toward the future help you cope with any obstacles."
lol. so... i'm awesome? sweet.

* * *

"do you love him?"
god, that question... that question has fucked me over before. i'm a little afraid to even think about it. i lost my best friend because of that question.
His name was Ronnie, but everyone called him Jacob (middle name). Through a majority of elementary school, we were best friends. (or i thought so anyway. we were pretty good friends). Sat next to each other in class, hung out on the playground, played soccer at the rec center... awesome. helped that he was friggin' adorable (and still is, honestly...lol). then one day, one of the other girls questioned our friendship. asked if i LIKED him. oh god, that did it. i started thinking about it too much, and realized that yeah, i was majorly crushing on my best friend.
It was never the same after that. (probably didn't help that i told him how i felt...)
He stopped talking to me that summer (between 5th & 6th grade). and he didn't really start speaking to me again until probably sophomore or junior year of high school.

I miss him.

I guess that's why i don't know the answer to that question now. I'm too afraid of what might happen if i admit it.

Sweet Caroline (da da da...)

good times never seemed so good
i've been inclined to believe they never would...

i spend a lot of this blog saying things like "once again" and "as always". i've become far too redundant for my liking... but i'm not sure what to say to fix it.

***
i have so many dreams... i'd love to be a singer. an actress. an artist. a chef. a designer. a writer.
all these dreams, i've noticed, both utilize and create inspiration. i seem to be lacking in that department recently, i've gotten so bogged down in what everyone else expects of me.

hmm... to be continued.

you're just the girl all the boys wanna dance with

"you said you'd keep me honest
but i won't call you on it"

i often find myself here. Ten-til-two in the morning, listening to Fall Out Boy, eating cheetos (i know, terrible) and feeling incredibly poetic/romantic/artistic and yet having nothing meaningful or even remotely interesting to create.

*sigh*

i've sat with this page open for far too long, hoping inspiration will strike.

what a waste...

there's nothing here to hold on to

its not that far.
its not that far.
it really isn't that far.
seriously, 85 miles. how difficult is that? hour & a half. really.
"i'm so lonesome i could cry". yeah. pretty much.

sad when the person i talk to the most is 1400 miles away. got really used to talking to him... he's not online tonight :(

i shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to spend time with him. jeez. i miss him like hell.

there seems to be nothing but an immense spread of miles between me and where i'd rather be. what the fuck am i doing here?

just a tidbit

Once again I sit poised with my pen (marker) over the paper, feeling inspired but with nothing to convey. As usual, my mind wanders to the male species, two in particular. But as usual, words fail me. Considering I'm not entirely sure I even comprehend my feelings toward either one, trying to capture those feelings would render them incompletely...

recap

"A piece of your personal romantic puzzle might snap into place right about now, and the person who's holding it isn't someone you'd expect. Be ready for rapid enlightenment from an unusual source."

no shit. rapid enlightenment. just because a person seems nice & is attractive doesn't necessarily mean:
a) they're good at kissing
b) they're good at anything relating to kissing
c) they'll respect your choice to say no and not ask why

it makes you realize who is really important to you... who will respect you.

*sigh* again... creepy

A piece of your personal romantic puzzle might snap into place right about now, and the person who's holding it isn't someone you'd expect. Be ready for rapid enlightenment from an unusual source.

when it rains, it pours

so you miss me
and he wants me to come visit
and he's claiming me as his girlfriend (a joke, thank God. ew.)
and he says i'm hot/sexy/good looking
and he wouldn't mind me as a roommate (cuz i can cook, chill. lol)
and they want me pretty much cuz i have a vagina and didn't blow them off in the first five seconds

i need to learn to shut up.

speechless, over the edge

forget that
i lied
i do love you, but not in the ways that i thought.

its kind of a relief.

you're still the first one i think of... guess that will take a while to get over

i still want you to see me in that dress.

i still want to surprise you. i want to stun you so much that you just have to stop, take me in completely, and say "wow...", if you can speak at all.

is that too much to ask?

no need to complicate

...
*deep breath*
...iloveyou.
i love you.
i love you.
i love you.
i love you.
I love you.
i Love you.
i love You.
I Love You.
I LOVE YOU.
ILOVEYOU
ILOVEYOU
ILOVEYOU.
...i think.
...
i'm insane.

i never knew the thrill i could get from your touch

oh, look at me now

* * *

"So when are we gonna do this at YOUR house?"
"Uh...?!"
"Let me guess, after we're married right?"

* * *

my poor, poor brain.

Reflections on Fuzzy Brain Syndrome

There's nothing like that fuzzy feeling from sleeping too long and then staying in bed for hours on end. Although switching from contacts to glasses may have something to do with it also. When you finally get up, your equilibrium is all thrown off, which is trippy in itself. Even worse is when you go outside - the bright light, vibrant colors, sounds, and smells accost your senses, and you simply stand for a few moments, dumbfounded. You register the clarity in which you see everything, wanting to somehow capture it, knowing all the while that it is merely the fuzziness of your brain overcompensating. It's almost unpleasant. Your brain tries to comprehend everything at once, but your senses, especially your sight, can't keep up. It's frustrating, and you feel a little dizzy and sick. The sun comes out, your favorite time of day, casting a perfect, ethereal glow over the new spring landscape, and you are once again struck by its beauty. You wonder if anyone else notices, realizes how perfect it all is in its creation, but you know they don't. This is when you feel the most religious - viewing the simplicity and beauty that God has created, unseen by so many despite how often it is looked upon. In this fuzzy state you gaze upon the world with fresh eyes, wishing you could stay in the moment forever. Suddenly all your thoughts make sense, but it doesn't matter. All other usual worries seem inconsequential. You find yourself wishing you weren't surrounded by other people, people who don't understand your purpose, judging you silently as they walk, jog, ride by, if they even notice you at all. Their reasons for being here are merely for convenience, not to breathe in the religion you keep rediscovering. Because that's what it is, rediscovery. The image is thought to fade, but instead each time it is so new that you can't imagine having seen it before. You want to cry, you want to sing, you want to lie down and simply drink in the peacefulness through every pore. You want to make your mark upon it somehow, somehow capture perfection, all the while knowing it would be impossible. In your revelations the fuzzy feelings dissipate and you feel re-energized, but most importantly, calm. For the first time in a long time, you are totally calm.

from the moment you came into my life

how do people know? how do we know if its "love" or just some passing fancy? ok, fine, they're on your mind all the time, but that's true for a lot of things. there are people who are constantly thinking about work or school or even food. do we get to decide who we fall in love with? is it just chance that you're in the same place, or do you have to go out and look for that one person and hope they're in the same place as you? what if you never find the person you're destined to be with, or you think you do and then realize later that it was supposed to be someone else? what then? were you destined to be with the first person, or the second? can we talk ourselves out of love? can we talk ourselves into love? what is it, exactly? how do we distinguish love from friendship or from anything, really? how do we know if its just an intellectual connection, a physical connection, or emotional? and why is it that one person can feel so strongly for another person but not have those feelings returned? is the first person feeling and believing lies, or is the second person merely oblivious to it? or does the second person feel the same but refuses to acknowledge those feelings? why is it so common to confuse other things with "love"? is there even such a thing? or is it just mutual attraction and then a strong friendship followed by reliance and comfort found in the other person?

this makes my head hurt...

its official

its over.
the end.
kaput.

i'm ok... mostly. just if i don't think too much.

cuz then i'll start missing him.

being this tired is dangerous

i miss the feeling of your arms around me
i keep catching brief whiffs of your familiar smell
when i wake up, i wish you were there, and when you're not i just want to go back asleep in hopes its just a dream
i know you don't feel the same
i know i'm being totally stupid
but if my only other option is to not have you at all... i'll take stupidity any day.

i haven't texted you yet today.

i'm too tired. i don't trust myself to not say something that i really mean

"she & i have gotten very close."

no.

please...no.

please.

why can't it be my turn to be happy?

i've thought this so many times... but now its even worse. and it hurts almost more than i can stand.

i can't even explain why its such a big deal...

3:47 am (316): Back in pratt, if you care.

5:17 am (1-316): I do.


*sigh*

excuses, excuses...

i'm getting this feeling again. sorry for making you read about it... again.

maybe what i want is too much to ask for. maybe i just need to stfu and be grateful for what i have. maybe i'm just a selfish greedy little brat who never has enough.

maybe...

maybe i just need to shut the fuck up anyway.

stop telling me i deserve what i want and just give it to me, dammit.

i'll admit it, i've fallen way harder than i thought i was going to. than i was going to let myself. and sadly... i'm ok with it. but i'm tired of waiting. i'm tired of wondering if i'm just being an idiot and that i'm just convenient or if i'm really just a nuisance.

sigh.

i hate how my brain cycles through this.
being a girl really sucks sometimes.

...

The more patient you are, the happier you will be when you finally get your turn. That's why there's really no need to be in such a hurry to prove yourself. The stars urge you to win your victories one at a time and maintain full awareness of your actions. As the day wears on, the increasing influence of certain astral aspects lead you to the politics of charm. A romantic issue is beautifully resolved tonight without much effort at all.

i never liked the rain til i walked through it with you

i am falling for you, i'm falling for you now, just like the rain...

they sang this song last night, and it made me realize just how much i had fallen for you. especially when i saw you talking with her... the jealousy and sadness i felt was almost unbearable. then you came over to talk to me... i thought i'd crumble when i heard what you said.
i'm so glad i got up the courage to ask to crash at your place anyway... so glad the door was unlocked.

how fitting it is right now that its raining.

there are so many things that i love about this... if only i could have it completely the way i want it.

that would make it very complicated though :/

um, pardon me, but wtf?

You're not usually the sappy type. Well, you'll need to get past that now, especially if you're already with someone you consider delectable. Because the heavens have seen fit to arrange a veritable buffet of romantic interludes, and you'll certainly be able to partake of at least one. In fact, you'd better confine yourself to just one. Jealousy isn't pretty -- especially yours.

rehab is for quitters

"oh sweetie. give up on him. please."

*sigh* i want to know why. why does everyone seem to tell me this? is there something i'm not seeing?

if only it were that simple...

wtf?! fire ze missiles!!

this friday it will be one month.
not exactly a great anniversary to remember...hoping that's as far as it will get.

i wish i wasn't so far away. and i wish we didn't have to be so distant, even when we're sitting next to each other.

makes me almost miss the way it was when i couldn't stand him.

almost.

i finally see his side... it sucks, it really does... and it makes me feel like an idiot for all the shit i've posted.

sigh.

or perhaps not.

i don't know if i've ever felt so alone.
seems no one talks to me, if they do its of little importance
the people i want to talk to are busy so the chat is brief to nonexistent.

i'm falling. not in a good way.
i suppose its time to pick myself back up again.

maybe i should be more guarded next time. or maybe there won't be a next time at all. i'm wondering if anything i thought was true to begin with, or if it was just my warped sense of reality.

sounds fabulous...and yes, i do know who i'd choose

The emotional Moon will finish off your leisure time with just one more red-hot dose of passion, which doesn't sound too hard to take for a sign as sensual and earthy as yourself. Of course, you may need to fight off a slew of admirers, (yes, again) even though you know perfectly well who you'll choose when and if you have the option. Better start making up your mind now. You definitely have the option -- if anyone does.

do you trust me enough

i am barely breathing, and i can't find the air
don't know who i'm kidding, imagining you care

sick of sounding like a lame romance novel
sick of thinking it should be one way when i know it doesn't matter
sick of always wanting to talk about it
sick of always thinking about what might or might not happen

i want to go with it
i want it to not be something secret
i want to have some sort of confidence about it

everything is so uncertain.
***
you better let somebody love you
before its too late