basic

it dawned on me today that amid all the desires and idiosyncratic things that people my age seem to latch on to, i have very basic needs. while most people my age are out to get where they're going as quickly as possible, so ambitious, so impatient with the world, i'm perfectly content with just going with whatever life hands me. the one thing i realized that i want, however, seems so important that i can't believe that i didn't realize it before -- my own place. while its not all that practical right now, financially or otherwise, i would love to have my own place. doesn't have to be a big house, or even a big apartment, since i don't have that much stuff. i just want a place where i can just be, somewhere where i don't have to try to explain all my little idiosyncrasies, quirks, and habits. somewhere i can hang up what i like, without worrying if i'm going to have to move it if it's in the wrong place. i want to be able to come home without worrying about getting questioned regarding my whereabouts. i could continue, but you get the idea.
i want a space to be myself, to be able to play my guitar at 3 in the morning if i feel like it and not worry about waking anyone up.
basic need, yes, but it feels like the most complex thing ever right now.

i feel like i should say thank you

you make me feel beautiful
you let me be myself
you're not pushing me into things i don't want
you let me know its ok to try things

you make it hard for me to come back here...but i hate the stress of trying to sneak around. i hate sleeping alone now, even though i don't sleep when i'm with you (for several reasons... also because i just can't fall asleep, even when you are).
you asked if i was falling for you, and it scared me to put myself out there like that, especially when you won't answer the same question. i'm afraid that you'll say no, but maybe then it will make it all a little easier. i wish i didn't have to worry that i'm just an option, or that i'm just one of several.

one thing i know... i'm trying very hard to not be dependent on you. if this is as far as it goes... i can't be.

yes (no)

yes i spent the night at his house.
(no i wasn't on the couch)

yes i kissed him
(no that wasn't all)

yes i know how you'll react if i tell you
(no i won't tell you unless you ask and promise not to judge)

i have no regrets

bah. >.<

he asked me to not fall in love with him. too complicated with whats happening in his life and how far away i am
but i asked if he'd ask the same thing if i was still there, if there would be a possibility of us dating if i wasn't so far away
and he said he probably wouldn't be able to help himself

sigh
<3

milquetoast

milquetoast - a shy or timid person

hooray for freerice.com

i almost cried

"at least call me so i can hear your voice."
so i called him. three hours later... he tells me that he just wants me to be happy. that i don't need to feel like i have to be alone. that the world has amazing things for me.
i almost cried

this is highly amusing

"swear on my life...you bring that tight little ass to me and you will not regret it"

mhm. yes sir ;D