i never knew the thrill i could get from your touch

oh, look at me now

* * *

"So when are we gonna do this at YOUR house?"
"Uh...?!"
"Let me guess, after we're married right?"

* * *

my poor, poor brain.

Reflections on Fuzzy Brain Syndrome

There's nothing like that fuzzy feeling from sleeping too long and then staying in bed for hours on end. Although switching from contacts to glasses may have something to do with it also. When you finally get up, your equilibrium is all thrown off, which is trippy in itself. Even worse is when you go outside - the bright light, vibrant colors, sounds, and smells accost your senses, and you simply stand for a few moments, dumbfounded. You register the clarity in which you see everything, wanting to somehow capture it, knowing all the while that it is merely the fuzziness of your brain overcompensating. It's almost unpleasant. Your brain tries to comprehend everything at once, but your senses, especially your sight, can't keep up. It's frustrating, and you feel a little dizzy and sick. The sun comes out, your favorite time of day, casting a perfect, ethereal glow over the new spring landscape, and you are once again struck by its beauty. You wonder if anyone else notices, realizes how perfect it all is in its creation, but you know they don't. This is when you feel the most religious - viewing the simplicity and beauty that God has created, unseen by so many despite how often it is looked upon. In this fuzzy state you gaze upon the world with fresh eyes, wishing you could stay in the moment forever. Suddenly all your thoughts make sense, but it doesn't matter. All other usual worries seem inconsequential. You find yourself wishing you weren't surrounded by other people, people who don't understand your purpose, judging you silently as they walk, jog, ride by, if they even notice you at all. Their reasons for being here are merely for convenience, not to breathe in the religion you keep rediscovering. Because that's what it is, rediscovery. The image is thought to fade, but instead each time it is so new that you can't imagine having seen it before. You want to cry, you want to sing, you want to lie down and simply drink in the peacefulness through every pore. You want to make your mark upon it somehow, somehow capture perfection, all the while knowing it would be impossible. In your revelations the fuzzy feelings dissipate and you feel re-energized, but most importantly, calm. For the first time in a long time, you are totally calm.

from the moment you came into my life

how do people know? how do we know if its "love" or just some passing fancy? ok, fine, they're on your mind all the time, but that's true for a lot of things. there are people who are constantly thinking about work or school or even food. do we get to decide who we fall in love with? is it just chance that you're in the same place, or do you have to go out and look for that one person and hope they're in the same place as you? what if you never find the person you're destined to be with, or you think you do and then realize later that it was supposed to be someone else? what then? were you destined to be with the first person, or the second? can we talk ourselves out of love? can we talk ourselves into love? what is it, exactly? how do we distinguish love from friendship or from anything, really? how do we know if its just an intellectual connection, a physical connection, or emotional? and why is it that one person can feel so strongly for another person but not have those feelings returned? is the first person feeling and believing lies, or is the second person merely oblivious to it? or does the second person feel the same but refuses to acknowledge those feelings? why is it so common to confuse other things with "love"? is there even such a thing? or is it just mutual attraction and then a strong friendship followed by reliance and comfort found in the other person?

this makes my head hurt...

its official

its over.
the end.
kaput.

i'm ok... mostly. just if i don't think too much.

cuz then i'll start missing him.

being this tired is dangerous

i miss the feeling of your arms around me
i keep catching brief whiffs of your familiar smell
when i wake up, i wish you were there, and when you're not i just want to go back asleep in hopes its just a dream
i know you don't feel the same
i know i'm being totally stupid
but if my only other option is to not have you at all... i'll take stupidity any day.

i haven't texted you yet today.

i'm too tired. i don't trust myself to not say something that i really mean

"she & i have gotten very close."

no.

please...no.

please.

why can't it be my turn to be happy?

i've thought this so many times... but now its even worse. and it hurts almost more than i can stand.

i can't even explain why its such a big deal...

3:47 am (316): Back in pratt, if you care.

5:17 am (1-316): I do.


*sigh*